I am COMING OUT....

I am Coming OUT….

Last week was National Coming-Out Day.  It hit me that "coming out of the closet" is really a term used for people finally able to shed their facade and be HONEST with others about who they really are.  I want to be very clear, before I continue with my thoughts, that I am NOT coming out in the traditional sense...I am still very happily married to my husband of 15 years. Mine is a more of a spiritual 'coming out'.

I also do not want to downplay or even begin to assume that I understand the magnitude of hiding your sexuality from others and the difficulty and strength it takes to 'come out of the closet' in the traditional sense.  I have the utmost admiration for those that DO take that step and am so proud of you! This blog entry is one inspired by those that have taken a very public and brave step to reveal themselves.  YOU all inspire ME.

As humans we have a natural reaction to defend our true identity in fear that exposing it will make us more vulnerable.  And in many ways, exposing ourselves DOES make us more vulnerable.  Some people will judge, some will throw stones, some will act out their hate.  All in reaction to their own insecurities that keep them from revealing their true identities to the world.  Fear overcomes us.

Today I am coming out.  With trembling hands and a racing heart, with fear of judgement and ridicule, I am stepping out in faith that by revealing to others who I am I will have MORE of a profound affect on lives than if I hide and stay in my comfort zone.

So here it goes, my revelation of all that I am and much of which I hide in fear of being vulnerable and judged.  But no more, for my true self-worth is not in this world but in He who created me.  For greatness.

I love my life.  I really LOVE my life!  Somewhere in the shift between childhood into adulthood I adapted this notion that you must downplay what you are doing, your love for what you do, and constantly be striving for more.  I mistakenly thought that complaining about where I was or what I was doing would protect me, just in case someone disagreed with what I was doing or what I loved.  Total insecurity played out on my part.  I continued to think if I DID more.  And more.  And MORE that my actions would justify my choices to be a homemaker, to not utilize my masters degree in the professional world, to really actually LOVE caring for my family.  So I am laying it all out there and setting myself and others straight.  I LOVE my life.  I LOVE being a homemaker. I love that God has provided me with the opportunity to grow as a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a chef, an artist, a gardener, a seamstress, an athlete, a writer, a child of God, and so much more.  I am ten years into this role as a homemaker and mother and each day brings me new opportunities, shows me new possibilities that I never even new existed, and opens up new doors.  I am finally, finally at a place where I am taking a stand to stop striving to DO more and am striving to LIVE more in each day.  I am ready to stop getting my affirmation from other people so that I can feel, temporarily, "good enough" because living that way has left me never feeling "good enough". 

In Matthew 3:17 God spoke directly to Jesus after he had been baptized and said, "This is My Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."   Knowing that I AM GOD'S BELOVED is ENOUGH.  I am whole only when I do for God's eyes alone and stop trying to live for the affirmation of others, compromising who I really am.  Living life in the closet.

So here I am, a whole woman, vowing that today I am coming out.  No more apologies for who I am, no more striving to be who I am not.  I am laying it all out; in my imperfectness, my brokeness, my fears, I am made whole by the one who created me.  For greatness.

**And for those of you who are blog readers, stay tuned because I am also vowing that I will no longer be holding back in sharing my writing!  I LOVE writing and I will push through my fears of sharing it and let it all COME OUT!

Touched by An Angel

One year ago today, you quietly slipped away
Leaving your Mommy's arms
To be with Jesus for your days,
Meaning no harm

Unbenounced to us all,
as you entered this life,
Was an angel who would call,
hearts to fill with love and not strife

All in his way,
Saw life as it is,
Defined by God each day,
Not man's expectation but His

Wonder we saw,
each success you made,
celebrating with awe,
each moment not to trade

His plan was set,
Your days all counted,
Twenty months we would get,
To have your lessons all mounted

Not a day goes by,
Without seeing your mark,
As we look to the sky,
And see bright hope not dark

We love you Carterman,
And each day you are missed
But it is God's plan,
Eternal life is His gift.

We will see you again,
When our time is called,
We thank you little man,
Your lessons always will befall

Dedicated to my nephew, 

Carter Matthew Abbott

July 30, 2010-March 30, 2012

Celebrate TODAY!

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.  Psalm 90:12 NIV

After oversleeping this morning and rushing to get my three children fed, dressed and off to school, I stood outside on this crisp fall morning and remembered that today is special.  Today I have three healthy, vibrant, loving children to feed, dress and get off to school.  Today the sun is shining, my husband is off to work at a job he loves and I have my dad here on this Earth to wish a happy 65th birthday to.  

Two and a half years ago my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer.  After his surgery we received the gut wrenching news that the cancer was not contained.  It had spread to the surrounding tissue and lymph nodes and there was no cure, just treatment to prolong life.  At that time all we could see was loss.  Loss of health for our dad, loss of hope, loss of life.  No more celebrations to be had with him, no more vacations, no more Sunday dinners, no more Daddy.  All we felt was devastating loss.  

Today Dad is doing really well.  He has the same diagnosis, but instead of seeing loss, he sees gain in each day God blesses him with.  Every three months he goes to Sloan, with trepidation, for his bloodwork to see if the cancer is still being held at bay.  And regardless of the results, he rides his Harley, drives his dream truck all over the country and plans his next vacation with my mom.  He is living TODAY.

As I look back on that time of utter despair, I am amazed at how God has turned my view of life around completely.  Instead of robbing me of time with my father, he has gifted me time with him.  As I shared in previous posts, my nephew's 20 months of life came at the perfect time for all of us.  For each day with Carter, unbenounced to us, was a GIFT!  God sent us a real life message to "number our days".  Not count the years ahead, not think about the what-if's or the potential losses, but to be present in today and not miss a moment of it.  For aren't we all "terminal"?  Isn't this life here on Earth just a gift, so temporary; a breathe in eternity?  

Bad days will come.  Trials will weigh us down in utter despair, robbing us of the ability, at times, to see the life in front of us.  But praise be to God that He continues to hold us tight, carry us through those times and teach us, when we seek Him, to enjoy the days of our life and gain invaluable wisdom along the way.  Don't lose today seeing the loss in front of you, but rather, see life.  See the beauty, whether it be sunshine, a child's laughter, your health, employment, or candles on a cake.  Make your prayer today one that slows you down and helps you to celebrate today!

Happy 65th birthday, Daddy!  And thank you, Lord, that I can say those words!

If you have a moment, listen to one of my favorite songs, "Blink" by Revive, that echoes these reminders.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvuxFdM3S58

Unexpected Blessings

I wrote my last post with a peaceful acceptance of what I thought was the end of a long bout with unemployment for my husband, ending with a relocation to Ohio.  Little did I know that God had something else up His sleeve, in the works all along!

Three days before my husband was scheduled to leave for Ohio to start his new job, he got a call from a well-known, high-end fashion retail company in NYC.  He had interviewed with them six months prior and made an excellent impression and good connections, but the position they were hiring for at the time was not the right fit.  But the position they were hiring for this time was exactly right for him.  

With a new-found confidence of a man with a job, he told them that he accepted a position in the Midwest and was leaving for Ohio in a few days.  He could phone interview, but that would be about it.  A few hours after speaking with him, the recruiter called him back and said that the hiring manager really wanted to meet him and asked if there was any way to make that happen.  When she called, my husband was in the car on his way into NYC to meet up with his band buddies to say good-bye, so he told them that if they were willing to overlook his appearance, he could come that day.  

So, there he was, in the offices of this premier fashion company in NYC in cargo shorts, a t-shirt and a scruffy, unshaven face.  Every interview he had been on with various companies to this point my husband meticulously picked out his outfit, carefully groomed and prepped himself for the conversations.  There was no time for that; he came as he was, with all he had to offer in his personality, experience and intellect.  

And yet, this was the interview that was exactly right.  He left there feeling great because despite what happened, he already had a job!  So off to Ohio he went, following God's lead, accepting the path paved before him and in a sense, walking on water as Peter did in the book of Matthew.  He knew that the waters were not all calm, yet he knew that that was where he was being commanded to go.

If any of you have ever been in the position of looking for work while currently unemployed, you know the feeling of sheer desperation.  Even though the hiring company needs you, you need them more.  Every day feels like an eternity as you sit and wait, at their mercy, for something, anything, to give you even a glimmer of hope, or at least allow you to move past this potential and the mind games that occur all while "what if'ing" everything.  It is a miserable web to be caught in, and no matter how hard you try, it seems you cannot escape its grasp.  Yet you cling to God's lead, desperately holding onto your faith in knowing God is leading, and you keep trudging forward.

Throughout the fifteen months that my husband fervently looked for a job, he wrestled with so many ugly emotions; fear, anger, doubt, rage, envy, despair.  There were days, weeks, months when he would hit a low, so lost in this endless cycle of ups and downs, highs and lows and constant uncertainty.  As his wife I hated seeing him so broken and filled with such emotions.  I desperately clung to my faith and with God's help, kept my eyes on Him, reminding myself that we would be okay.  Even when he accepted the position in Ohio we were filled with fear, but we knew that we needed to follow God's lead, despite the stormy waters or the unknowns in front of us.  

John Ortberg says, in his book If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat,  "The choice to follow Jesus-the choice to grow-is the choice for the constant recurrence of fear.  You've got to get out of the boat a little every day."  

By now you are probably wondering where this story is going, so I will cut to the chase.  On August 1st my husband started his second new position of the summer, in NYC, doing exactly what he wants to be doing in his career.  They continued to pursue him and interview him while he was working in Ohio and again, he continued to allow God to lead and trust that no matter what, we would end up where He ultimately wanted us.  I am still in awe and have not quite absorbed all that has happened in the past few weeks, and am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the opportunity to really grow that God has provided us with.  

The Lord has blessed us tenfold over the past year and a half.  Throughout this trial we have learned to truly wait on the Lord and know what it is to trust Him.  John Ortberg says, "We have to wait on the Lord to receive power to walk on the water. We have to wait for the Lord to make the storm disappear.  In some ways, 'waiting on the Lord' is the hardest part of trusting.  It is not the same as 'waiting around.'  It is putting yourself with utter vulnerability in his hands."

Waiting really is the hardest part.  But like every storm, it too shall pass.  It is the fight to strengthen ourselves in that storm instead of get sucked in and drown that is the real battle.  But oh, what a battle it is worth fighting for growth is priceless.

Thank you, God, for revealing yourself to me, over and over.  For never letting go, for carrying us through when we could not carry ourselves.  Thank you for teaching us how to trust in you and for growing and deepening our understanding of You and our faith.  Thank you for leading us to exactly where you want us right now.  Please do not ever let us stop growing.  

Grow Me, My Lord

I remember the day all too well in March of 2011, when my husband received notice from work that his position was being eliminated.  For months there had been talk of cut backs and re-organizing roles, but he was assured by his boss and others not to worry, that he was most likely "safe".  Little did his boss know that she, along with thirty others, were on the list to be cut,  as well.  

Dante and I just sat, looking at each other, in such shock. 

People all around us had been falling victim to our declining economy.  Why were we any more protected than anyone else?  Yet, as humans, we live with an ignorance that we are more protected somehow.  That "that" (whatever "that" might be) won't happen to us.  So when it did, we were frozen in shock.  I remember quickly figuring out how long we could float financially and feeling a sense of relief that we could make it the rest of the year.  Never did I think we would have to stretch and stretch the way we have, for again, ignorance is bliss and "that" couldn't possibly happen to us.

Dante sat wrestling with the beginnings of emotions that were provoked by the elimination of a position that defined him for so long.  He was the provider for our family; his paycheck represented his role as a husband, father, and bread winner.  The recognition he received at work validated his intelligence.  With that one notice that was all stripped away from him.  

As his wife, I battled with the guilt of not bringing in a paycheck.  I stepped away from my career as a teacher to stay home with our three young children, as well as support Dante in the advancement of his career, absorbing many of the household duties and chores.  I loved our life and the balance that we had created.  This notice threatened that balance as well, and stole from me what I ideally wanted for my family.

A year later, I sit here so grateful for God's amazing hand in my life.  If my husband had not been laid off from his job, I would not have discovered just how strong my God created me to be.  I would not have dug as deep as I have to TRUST in Him, use the skills and work ethic He instilled in me to work to pay our bills, creatively finding ways to make money, stretch a dollar, and humble myself to accept the generosity of others.  God showed me that money does not define a person and that in His eyes, we are all His.  Dante would not have had this priceless year to spend with our children, being such a presence in their everyday lives.  My relationship with my husband would not have reached the depths it has if it had not been tested, stretched, and beaten down.  Together we wrestled with our faith and ever so slowly started letting go of our false sense of control over the situation and turned it over to God.  We began to really test out our faith and walk blindly, allowing God to lead.  Instead of working to have more we began to live to enjoy what we had.    Most importantly, I learned to appreciate everything that is truly important in this life and find my real joy in the Lord.

A few weeks ago Dante received a job offer from a company in Ohio.  We wrestled with this and its "imperfections", even though in the end, he had little choice but to accept since unemployment can not go on forever.  It would mean moving away from our dear friends and family, a church and community that we love, and moving into unknown territory.  Yet we have prayed for the Lord to lead us where He wants us, and so often that does not always adhere to the parameters that we, as humans, define.  

Maybe this is one more gift that my sweet nephew, Carter,  taught me in his short life: God defines the parameters in this life, not man.  And when we learn to completely sink into His divine providence and TRUST that He leads us to where He wants us, real joy is discovered.  

Our 7 year old son said it best when he responded to the news that we would be moving with, "I am not sad to move, I will make new friends.  I am just so happy that God answered our prayers and Daddy has a job!"  Wow. How right that little boy is; God has answered our prayers!

So off to Ohio we will head! 

I am excited to see what God has in store for us, even though I wrestle with fear of the unknown.  About a hundred times a day I have to remind myself that my God is in control, and always has been.  When I start panic about selling the house, being apart from my husband until the children and I can move out there, finances, separation from my parents and siblings, or a million other things that find their way into my head,  I remind myself to STOP; "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 43:10).  I am armed now with the knowledge that change, discomfort, pain; they all GROW you.  That alone, my friends, is exciting stuff.  

So grow me, my Lord! I am all yours.

Hope

I have been thinking a lot about what hope actually means and how to integrate it into my life.  A month ago my youngest sister's 20 month old son unexpectedly passed away while taking a nap.  Carter had contracted a rare virus at 6 days of age that caused global brain damage.  The doctors, at the time, offered little to no hope that Carter would even live, let alone live a life with any value.  At the time, while that little baby was still in PICU and on life support, they suggested to my sister and brother-in-law that they take him off of life support, extinguishing any and all hope for Carter.  Matt and Emily prayed that God make that decision for them, for that was not a decision they could ever make on their own.  Within two days Carter miraculously started to show signs of improvement; hope of life!  He came off life support ON HIS OWN!  At that point, the doctors still offered little hope that he would ever eat without a feeding tube, breathe without oxygen, see or hear.  Again, within days Carter proved them all wrong as we all prayed that God define Carter's life, not man.  For 20 months Carter defied all expectations for life set by doctors and specialists.  He nursed again at 2 month, came off a feeding tube and ate baby food with a spoon, laughed, smiled, picked up his head, rolled and lived a life filled with joy.  It was a life lived without expectation, just plain hope.  God defined the parameters of Carter's life, not man.  And through this little boy, we all began to see God Himself.  In Matthew 18:3 Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."  For the first time in my life, I understood what Jesus meant by this.  Life is not to be lived with expectations set by us, parameters drawn by man, but lived as a child.  A child filled with pure joy, accepting all that comes their way with open hearts and minds.  

As I watch my own children grieve Carter's death, I am in awe.  They do not carry the heavy burden of expectations for life that we do as adults.  The rejoice in his life, sweetly cry as they remember him and miss him, but are so excited that he is with Jesus.  They believe, without doubt, that God took him to be with Jesus because it was his time and today, he is laughing with Jesus in Heaven, and why should we be sad about that?

I am still processing all that I have learned from Carter's 20 months of life.  I think the lessons will continue to come, and with each one, I receive a deeper understanding of what hope really means.  There is one lesson that  I learned very early on in Carter's life.  The day we all gathered in his little PICU room in August 2010 and prayed that God make the decision for us, hope entered that room.  I experienced, for the first time in my life, the peace that surpasses all understanding as I placed my hope in Christ alone.  

I would like to share with you something that I wrote on the long plane-ride back from CA a few weeks ago, as we brought my sister and her little family back to the East coast for Carter's funeral and memorial.  The word "hope" was resonating with me so loudly that I pulled out my I Pad and wrote what was on my mind and heart.

Hope

The word hope alone resonates with such assurances and comfort.  But when it is all you have left to cling to, it becomes a life ring, so difficult to hold onto as the waves keep crashing down, loosening your grip, knocking you under, leaving you gasping for air.  You cling to the ring with faith that it will keep you afloat, for what other choice do you have?  Yet exhaustion seeps in, over and over. When will the storms calm, the waters still and the rescue come?  You cry out for help, over and over, trying to believe you are heard by the One who sees all, the One who is our Hope.

In no way can I say that keeping my Hope alive is easy.  It is quite the opposite.  My faith is often one of the hardest choices I make each and every day.  In the eye of the storms of this life, as I gasp for air and feel my life ring slipping away, it is then that my Lord tightens His grip, gently securing me in Hope; Hope that I am never alone, that He will not fore-sake me, that despite the value I place in the things of this world, I am not OF this world.  He reminds me that HE is all I need and that in His grip I will not drown.  He quenches my thirst with His peace that surpasses all understanding, just as I feel dehydration sinking in.  He brings laughter just as the tears begin to flood my vision.  He brings joy in the present, allowing the weight of the past and future to escape me for that moment.  

He is my Hope.  The One who can calm the raging seas around me, keeping me safe, in His arms, safe and afloat.  Oh my Lord, tighten Your grasp, keep me secure in the life ring, carry me through these storms.  Grow me my Lord.  Make me your servant, strengthen my faith, keep my Hope alive.  Amen.

It was Carter's passing that finally pushed me to start this blog, a blog I had been talking about writing for a long time.  Too many of us wander this life without hope, without knowing where to place our hope.  This is my attempt to share with you where that hope can be found, in Jesus Christ alone.  I am praying for all of you who read this.  Please share my blog and share with me your stories and HOPE.  

Jesus said, " I am the Way the Truth and the life; no man cometh unto the Father, 

but by me." 

 John 14:6

God bless you,

Jen

Be Still

Anyone who knows me well, knows that being STILL is not in my character.  I can hardly sit for 5 minutes without my leg starting to anxiously bounce.  Recently my four year old excitedly said to me, "Mommy, look, I can bounce my leg just like you do!"  Great...just what I wanted my daughter to notice and then model!  


It's funny how God repeatedly hones in on our weaknesses, bringing opportunity after opportunity to break us of what haunts us the most.  Actually, I just said that "it's funny".  When I am in the midst of one of His attempts to break me of my inability to be still and know He is my God; to relinquish control, trust Him and cast all of my anxieties and fears upon Him, the last thing I find is humor in it.  Looking back on those times I can laugh, for it never ceases to amaze me at how my Creator really does know me inside and out, so perfectly!  I will focus on those times because looking back gives me strength to trust in the trials of today.


As I mentioned in my previous post, I am a control freak.  I would much rather try and figure out how to do something myself than let anyone do it for me.  I want all of the control, whether that be in the little things (like my obsession with doing the laundry "my way") or the big things like my health, children, or relationships.  Control is my nemesis.  We have a love-hate relationship.  Control keeps me from being still.  Ever.  Yet my God keeps on working on me.  And I know that is out of love for His child.  Out of hating to see those chains that constrict me from being all that I can be in this world.  He is answering my prayers when I cry out to Him to release me from my anxieties and fears.  He whispers to me, and often shouts to me, "Be still and know I am God."


Twelve years ago I had my first 'breaking' when I decided it was time to have a child.  I had suffered from stage 4 endometriosis from the age of 20, having had two surgeries and four years of Lupron shots.  So it came as no surprise to anyone (but me, of course) that my cycles were irregular and pregnancy just was not happening without extra assistance.  This drove me insane.  I obsessively read every thing I could find online about getting pregnant.  If there was a supplement out there, or a fertility diet to be followed, an acupuncturist or chiropractor insisting they could help, I did it.  No baby.  My first IVF cycle I was an anxious mess.  Even on the day of transfer I was far from relaxed.  I remember the doctor actually saying to me, "Relax and just be still."  I laid there willing that embryo to stick, listening to my crazy meditation CD where you visualize pregnancy and talk to the embryo.  I was far from still; far from turning it over to God.  I WAS IN CONTROL!  Or so I thought.  Well, that cycle failed.  Looking back, I can see why.  First off, what would I have learned from that if I had gotten pregnant when I dictated it to happen?!  I would have catapulted myself into a pregnancy with my attitude that I could control it all.  Weight gain, bleeding, stretch marks, labor, you name it.  God, He had other plans.  "....plans to prosper (me) and not to harm (me), plans to give (me) hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11


9 and a half years ago I had my first tangible experience with God stilling my soul and allowing me to cast my anxieties upon Him and relinquish control.  I went through that IVF cycle with a peace that I had never experienced.  To this day God was not only answering my prayers, but the prayers of many others, for that was not ME that brought the peace, that's for sure.  I stayed off the internet that entire cycle and prayed every day as I got ready for work, had injections and blood-work and all else that my day would entail.  I can still remember sitting in my little bathroom, blow drying my hair, reading a devotional a friend had given me and marveling at how odd this feeling was; peace.  It was foreign to me and I questioned whether or not I was loosing my mind.  It was so more familiar to me to be anxious all of the time, to busy myself with controlling my life, than to just "let go and let God."  


I did get pregnant that cycle.  And if I hadn't, I actually think I would have been okay with it, because throughout the entire thing, right up until the day of my pregnancy test, I was at peace with allowing it to be in God's hands.  Actually, both my eldest daughter and my son are of that cycle.  Baby number two was my frozen embryo that we conceived two years later (yes, technically speaking, my kids are twins as far as modern science is concerned!).  I wish I could say that from that cycle on, I have been peacefully turning IT ALL over to God.  That I have now mastered "Be[ing] still and know[ing] that I am God."  Psalm 46:10.  


The breaking and making from my Lord has occurred again and again since then.  Sometimes in small ways, like with colic-ally children, broken furnaces, and viruses ruining plans.  And other times, with much more pain and angst entering my world; cancer, loss, death, unemployment.  


Currently, as I write, my husband has been unemployed for a year.  I NEVER thought I would be here, a year later, having more days where I am still than anxious.  I started off this journey a year ago having full blown panic attacks.  But my God loves me and knows me best.  He continues to break me in order to make me the woman He wants me to be.  He stills my soul and reminds me, over and over that He is enough and all I need is to "Be still and know I am God."


With that said, I will now go do my workout, spend the day cleaning out my mother-in-law's house in preparation for her move (for my abilities to NOT be still and move with some maniac speed have been called upon), cook and clean for a party at my home tomorrow night, do 5+ loads of laundry and pass out at some ridiculous hour, I am sure!  But through it all, my soul will remain still today.