When I became a mother for
the first time at the age of 28, I did not think past those baby stages. The early days were all about learning my
child, trying to master (like there IS such a thing) feedings, sleep schedules,
teething, and on and on. My daughter and
I lived in this wonderful little world where I was her everything and I could protect her to the best of my
abilities.
The elementary years have
been fairly easy. Of course we have had our share of battle of the wills, tears
over homework or trying new activities.
But my daughter, she has been pretty easy. I was still her world and to me she would
look for answers, explanations, comfort.
And now we have begun the
TWEEN years.
Never did I even consider
what “tween” even really meant when I cuddled my little girl in my arms almost
eleven years ago as a newborn. But
everyday I am witnessing just why this is an INBE”TWEEN” phase in her life; a
transition from being a child to being a teenager. A phase in her life where she is breaking from, testing out the waters of independence and just beginning to find her self apart from me.
It is downright tumultuous at times.
If you have or have had a
daughter past the age of nine, you know exactly what I am talking about. One minute she is playing sweetly with her
American Girl dolls and the next she is slamming doors and sobbing
uncontrollably with no clear explanation of why. The sassy attitude, eye rolling, huffing;
this cannot possibly be my mild mannered little girl?! Oh how there are days when I miss that little
baby. Those easier days where she did
not talk back nor question her world outside of the one I created for her.
The other day, for whatever
reason (need their even BE a reason),
my oldest daughter started arguing, very unreasonably mind you, with me. And then the tears began to flow. I felt the panic rise up inside of me as I
scanned my mental parental manual (the one that I have been praying would just
appear inside of my mind since becoming a parent) for the right response. The right words to get her to just STOP this nonsensical drama and speak reasonably with me. The right actions of discipline to get her to
understand that she cannot react to
me, or anyone for that matter, like that.
This behavior absurd!
And then it dawned on me
that I am STILL working on handling my own moods, my own hormonal fluctuations
that seem to come out of nowhere (well, maybe every 28 days), and my own
reactions to stress. Here I am, 28 years
older than this little girl who is
just beginning her journey into womanhood, and I DO NOT HAVE MY CRAP
TOGETHER.
That realization brought me
to my knees in humbling submission.
I DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS.
It has taken me 28 years of
learning my moods, myself, my hormones, and what works for me in managing them to get even the slightest grasp on them all and
here I am expecting a girl not yet eleven to have it all together?!
Something tells me the hardest of the parenting years
has just begun.
I have to start to offer my
daughter grace.
Did you know that grace is mentioned 156 times in the New
Testament, taking on a special redemptive sense
in which God makes available His favor on behalf of sinners,
who actually do not deserve it.
Let that one soak in a minute.
Sinners who DO NOT DESERVE IT.
Sinners like me who fly off the handle, snapping
at my loved ones when I cannot handle my own stress and my own crap. Sinners like my daughter who slams her door
in utter frustration with the roller coaster of emotions that are hitting her
out of nowhere. Sinners like you and me,
my friend, who screw up every day in so many ways.
God has shown me grace more times that I can even count. More times that I am even aware of. He is my parent, gently guiding me through
this life, picking me up again, and again, and again, when I fall, when I fail,
when I screw it all up.
He gifted me as a mother with children to raise
and expects me to follow His lead, His perfect example, and do the same. With grace.
This new phase in my parenting journey, I can
tell you already, will be one of the most challenging for me. I no longer have little babies that I create
a little world for where mommy is their everything. I have children who are trying to figure out
just who they are independent from their
dad and me and how to handle life.
It will take a lot of humbling, a lot of prayer, and
I am sure, a lot of apologies. But I am
vowing to start to show compassion. And
with God’s help and guidance, to show grace.
Will you join me in doing
the same?
