The phone call will forever be embedded in my memory. It is one that I often wish I could erase,
filled with a cry I only wish had never happened.
I was just feeling the
sigh of relaxation come over me as the weekend quickly approached that Friday
evening when my phone rang. It was a
California number. My brain registered
that it was my sister, whom I attempted to talk to frequently despite the
three-hour time difference, but another part of me was already tuning out. Do I answer and converse or let it go to
voicemail? Something told me answer.
As I answered so
casually, about to pour myself a glass of wine to celebrate the week’s end, I
was jerked into consciousness by a scream like none other; a scream so raw and
guttural that the knee-jerk reaction for me was almost to drop the phone.
My sister was calling
from her cell phone while at her hair-dresser’s, dye still burning into her
scalp. Her babysitter had shaken her
from her stolen escape of mommy-peace with a call every mother fears. Her son was dead.
She had been craving,
needing, time alone that day. She was a
full time mom of two small children, one with special needs who required hours
of therapy each day. Her husband was
working on the East coast and her regular babysitter had been on vacation.
She fed her son his
breakfast that morning as her four-year-old daughter played with her mind
focused on the break she would soon have when her babysitter arrived. As her babysitter came in, she quickly passed
off Carter to Alma and instructed her to give him his bathe. He was happy and she seemed so happy to see
him that Emily feel a sigh of relief as she snuck of to start her day of
rejuvenation.
All she could think of
was stealing some time for a relaxing soak in the tub before getting her hair and
nails done; time justified away from the everyday, 24/7 responsibilities of
caring for a child with special needs by the calling of a hair needing color
and a cut. He was a child she loved more
than herself, more than words could ever describe, with a love and care that
exhausted her to her core. These rare
breaks gave her the energy she needed to keep on going with all her being.
As she soaked in the
tub that Friday afternoon she drifted in and out of sleep, letting the
exhaustion melt away. She quickly dried
off and before she ran out the door, peaked in the bedroom of her son who was
sleeping so soundly. She gave her babysitter instructions for the day and left.
Just as Emily made
herself comfortable in her hairdresser’s chair, closed her eyes and relaxed and
let herself drift away into a stillness so foreign to her life these past few
years, her cell phone rang, jolting her into consciousness. It was her babysitter. She never called her and she instinctively
knew, something was wrong.
Alma could barely
speak as she cried, “Emily, you have to come home.” Emily kept asking her, “Why?! Is he breathing?” With the single response, “I don’t know,”
Emily knew.
Her head spinning, her
heart racing and her breathe becoming so tight air was no where to be found,
she found herself shaking as she dialed 911.
Is there even a protocol for these actions? Are there directions on what to do when your
child is thought to be dead?
Being her older sister
of ten years, a mother-sister relationship without the fear of the
mother-judgment and the comfort of the sister-bond was formed very early
on. Emily’s knee-jerk reaction had her
dialing my phone number. Her husband was
on a business trip back East and she was all alone in California, stuck in the
chair of a hairdresser, trapped with dye seeping into her scalp as she
helplessly sat, absorbing what her babysitter had just cried out to her. Her baby was dead. Her baby that she had nursed and cared for
every waking minute of his twenty months was supposedly gone and she WAS NOT
WITH HIM. Her baby that was gifted back
to her after a virus ravaged his newborn body and almost stole his life in the
first week of it on this Earth was TAKEN FROM HER. Her baby that she had sacrificed everything
for, moved her and her daughter to California for and lived apart from her
husband for WAS GONE FROM HER ARMS. Her
baby that became her world, her love, her everything WAS GONE.
As I answered that
phone on the evening of March 30th, for the very first time in my
life, I had no words. I had nothing to
say to my sister as she screamed into the phone, “What do I DO? What do I DO?! I think he is dead, Jen!”
I had never felt as
far away from Emily as I did right then.
I am a fixer, a doer, a problem-solver by nature. I wanted, desperately ached, to be able to
offer a solution. Fix this. Help. At the
very least, hold my sister in her agony.
But I was 3000 miles
away. And death is irreversible. There was nothing I could ever do to change
what already was.
Within hours I had
made the gut wrenching phone calls to my parents and siblings, Emily had
confirmed that her son was indeed gone from this Earth, and her husband, my
parents and siblings and I had all booked tickets on the earliest flight to
California we could find. Neighbors and
friends in California were notified to come and care for her daughter and hold
Emily until we could arrive. The seas
were in a tumultuous storm as she gasped for air, clinging to the faith that
had brought her through thus far, trusting that the God that promised to hold
her was clinging on for dear life.
Even revisiting these memories evokes an ache in my heart so
deep, so raw that I want to run and hide from it, slamming the door shut on
these moments in time two years ago.
Yet would doing that pay homage to a life lived with such
greatness, such power and purposeful demonstration of our God’s love and grace
for his children? Would running from
this allow others to see and know just how almighty our Lord was through every
single moment of my nephew’s life, start to finish right through to this day?
I cannot close the doors.
I cannot run. This must be
shared.
We all, at times, imagine the very worst that could happen
to us and try and figure out if we could survive it. We are human and fearing pain is
natural. And by imagining it we somehow
think we are preparing ourselves; building our defenses so that IF the “worst”
really does happen somehow we are ready.
You never are.
These are the times that I SEE God for everything He is; love, grace, mercy, compassion, strength. When every single bit of you is stripped away
and you somehow survive, this is GOD. When a mother can continue to find the air to
breathe as her child lay dead in her arms, when a father can find the focus to
cross the country to be in the arms of his family after receiving a call that
his son has died, when grandparents can find the endurance to drive eighteen
hours straight to hold their daughter in their arms as she weeps for her son, God is present and SEEN.
What I witnessed my sister and brother-in-law find the
strength to do from the time their son fell ill at six days old with a virus
that almost killed him, to the twenty months they spent giving him every
opportunity in life to be all that he could be, to their empty arms as they
buried him, I SAW GOD.
I sit here writing this, guilty of imagining just what I
would do if the unimaginable happened to me, daring to think that this act
alone of imagining will somehow help me through. When truth is, I alone will never have the
capability to do any of the surviving ON
MY OWN. I am a mere mortal; weak,
helpless, powerless in the face of catastrophic loss.
It is only in my all-powerful,
almighty, all-knowing Creator that I can ever
find the strength to live through the worst of the worst. To survive.
To endure.
Before Carter ever was taken from us so unexpectedly I knew
God had a message to share with us. With
indelible ink he made a mark on our hearts with this little boy that HE
WAS IN CONTROL. He alone defined
the parameters of this life; not doctors, not man, but the CREATOR of life
itself. Carter survived the virus that ravaged his
brain in newness of life and was left without man being able to define for him
what his life would, should or could be.
Every day was a miracle.
Every day a blessing to be celebrated with an awe for who he was. God knew from the moment he created this
precious life that his days were numbered.
His time was done on Earth that day in March two years ago. We never knew.
But aren’t all our ends
unknown? Aren’t all our days numbered? We already know what we think we don’t. We are mortal.
What if we all lived life without expectations, without the
exhaustion of trying to be someone whom we define ourselves to be, but allowed God to define us? What if we all lived with a celebration of
each day and its blessings, never expecting more than was given, happy with
what we had and trusting in the One who created us?
What if instead of imagining and fearing the “what-if’s” we
trusted that God is and always will be
IN CONTROL and that His embrace will carry us through anything? Now that would be living to its fullest.
That would honor Carter and the life he lived.
My nephew's life, start to finish, was one of the most transformative experiences that I have ever witnessed and forever changed my faith and how I viewed God. From that first time I gathered in the PICU in Kansas City over that sweet little baby, watching him cling to life and praying because I did not know what else to do, to the day I watched my sister and her husband say their final good-byes to a son they loved more than themselves, I saw, for the first time, God's promises in action. I SAW just what He meant when he said he would NEVER FORSAKE US and would ALWAYS BE BY OUR SIDE. As a mere human I know for sure I never could do what my sister did without the help of the Lord.
My ministry with my writing was inspired by my nephew and the message God sent to me through him. I will continue to seek God's guidance and will for my life in all that I do in honor of this life lived by the grace of our God.
Please share this message with anyone you may know who needs to know, there IS hope, in Jesus Christ.